I needed a Guru’s help to navigate a difficult and dangerous awakening.
I love, love, loved the Yoga is Dead podcast. What an incredible, well researched resource. One thing that made me sad was the way they spoke about “people who need gurus” in the guru episode. I thought the episode was great. This is a very small sadness. Absolutely, there are inappropriate, abusive power dynamics. There are people who call themselves gurus who are not. There are people who call themselves gurus, maybe are, AND abuse people. This needs to change. No one should have to submit personal power to anybody else. No one should abuse other people for any reason.
And...
When someone’s consciousness is changing rapidly due to spiritual practice, it’s very helpful to have a personal relationship with someone who is a little farther down the path than you.
This is very different from willful spiritual practices, from things you learn. There are practical, “how do I live in the modern world” considerations. In the states, unless you are very lucky, you still have to make your living and interact with society. If it’s an awakening like mine was, that is difficult. When your body and consciousness are changing rapidly, it’s disorienting. It helps to have practical advice. It helps to have the cell phone number of someone who can give that practical advice. You might need it on the train or in a back alley of Chicago. I know I did. I don’t know if what I am describing is a guru relationship. It is a personal relationship, and it’s what helped me the most in the early days of my dangerous awakening more than a decade ago.
I don’t think that any one person can give me all the answers.
However, I did desperately need very particular, skilled help more than a decade ago. It came from a guru. He’s also someone who has abused power. I don’t think his help gives him free range to abuse me or anybody else. I went into the relationship with my eyes wide open and said “no” a lot. I was a bad disciple. I am not going to spend the rest of my life pointing only to him. I am very, very grateful I met him. I might not be alive today without him. I don’t think people who “need” gurus are inherently weak or broken.
It’s been a goal of mine for a long time to be a resource for people with experiences like mine. I had very few resources. The ones that showed up were often problematic, full of dogma and patriarchy. So, I wanted to be on the first page of google, resources available, if someone was having a spiritual awakening and googling for help. I’ve been preparing for that for more than a decade, watching power dynamics, learning about the human body and trauma and consciousness, and doing my own practice.
It’s been pretty thankless, frankly. I’ve been tirelessly learning about a subject that many people treat with disdain at worst, skepticism at best. I don't fit in the modern yoga world. It's been difficult to make a living, doing what I am most qualified to do. I almost always have to translate my first language, energy, into a more socially acceptable way of talking.
I’ve been sifting through grandiose claims and patriarchy and norms from my and other cultures. I’m not perfect by any means. I’m still learning. My opinions on the subject of spiritual awakening are hard won and considered.
Another problem is that awakening with the force I experienced is rare. The sample size of us strange beings, shaking, singing, and ecstatically pointing to the divine in all of us, is very small.
Some stay invisible or on the edges rather than risk ridicule. I’ve been a little too forthright at times and paid the price. But then I think of myself ten years ago, frantically googling, and I keep putting myself out there. I’m always willing to be wrong, to learn something new. I appreciate that my consciousness may be different from yours. I hope you do, too.
Today a person found me online within hours of their awakening experience. I told my beloved, who was there for the whole, hard thing. He said, “wow, imagine having that information within hours,” and gave me a big hug.
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